


A different start

by Koala1cruz



Category: Original Work, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Felix elimination, Fluff and Angst, M/M, felix is not in straykids, kpop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:21:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28573701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koala1cruz/pseuds/Koala1cruz
Summary: Felix is eliminated but for good this time he is distraught and when Minho re-joins the team he realised Chan broke his promise so he decided to leave JYP and find his place in the Kpop world
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin/Lee Felix, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)/Everyone, Lee Felix/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 37
Kudos: 85





	1. the end and a beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I love straykids and Felix and I had this idea idk why and I understand his elimination is a tough subject but I just had to get this out my head.  
> sorry if it is not the best I'm not the best writer and this is only my second proper fanfic there should be regular uploads even if no one reads it. (✿◕‿◕) ♥*♡∞:｡.｡please enjoy｡.｡:∞♡*♥

Felix was eliminated sadly he knew this would happen but, in his heart, he was trying to fool himself and make himself believe he would not get kicked out...but sometimes our dreams just don’t happen, and we must take the hard cold truth. Minho was previously eliminated, and the team was distraught, but Felix couldn't help thinking maybe stray kids would be better without himself in it. Then Felix heard the sentence he would learn to hate the rest of his life “I’m not going to leave you behind” “always find me yeah” he broke down and was crying his heart put because that was all he could do he was out of control and it felt awful. 

It was time for him to leave and he left with a sad wave and he was not brave enough to look back, so he just walked forward into his uncertain and messy future. The JYP workers told Felix where he would be staying, and he realised he was with Minho again one of his favourite Hyung's the one who helped him with his English and the one who understood Felix’s pain the most. Minho walked in the dorm and Felix ran to give him a hug. “Awe sunshine what’s wrong” Felix burst put in a fit of sob’s “I got eliminated Hyung” Minho understood the pain and pulled Felix on one of the single bed’s and whispered sweet nothings into his ear until Felix was lulled into a gentle and much needed sleep. 

Felix woke up the next day feeling a bit better and decided to try and wake up the boy next to him. " Hyuuuuuuung wake up- WAAAAAAKE UP" finally Minho seemed to stir awake due to the excessiveness of Felix's shouting "ok ok I'm awake sunshine stop shouting" there was a long pause so Minho decided to speak up "so are you feeling any better"..."a little yea but I'm just so disappointed in myself if only I just spoke better Korean and was not so ugly I would still be there"..."Sunshine none of that is true you are so good at Korean yea maybe not perfect but you're learning, and you have come so far stupid JYP" and with that they were back to silence but still in each other's warm embrace forgetting about their worries even if it was only just for a little while. 

It has been about two weeks since Felix has been eliminated and everyday, he spent it with Minho teaching him English, eating together, training together and so much more. However, today was different from the rest why? because there was no Minho, he left early that morning to have a meeting with JYP and had not come back and Felix was starting to get worried. He ignored the growing dread in the pit of his stomach while he was walking home, and he did not like it one bit. He arrived at the dorm in record time hoping Minho would be awaiting him with arms open for hugs and an explanation, but he was met with Minho's side complete devoid of any implication that he was ever there. Felix was incredibly confused suddenly he felt his phone started ringing put and he pulled it out of his dirty trouser pocket's as quick as he could hoping for answers. It was in fact Minho, so Felix did what he thought was best and answered. It was silent until a short "sorry" was stated Felix was even more confused and showed that by a short "why are you sorry" another large pause and then the reply came "I got added back into stray kids I'm so sorry Felix I asked why you weren't added, and they just wouldn't tell me I's so sorry Felix please forgive Hyung". Felix's world came crashing down Chan broke his promise he would never get to be with his 7 best friends ever again he quickly hung up and fell to the floor and burst out in tears he lost his family he had no one. He was alone in Korea. He got up and collected a suitcase from under his bed Felix could not stay in JYP it was too much pain to handle so he decided he would leave. He collected all is clothes and toiletries in a bag as well as his plushies then remembered he had a contract but it had been a long day so he would go to the company tomorrow. 

The next day he woke up completely exhausted and drained but none the less he got out of bed and set out what he was going to do last night he found that a relatively new company called rainbow entertainment was having auditions so after he left JYP he would go and try out because he was not giving up his dream for anyone not even one of the big three. Felix got dressed and headed out on his 20-minute walk to his soon to be ex-company. The weather was cold but the world around him was so beautiful he knew that his elimination would leave permanent damage on his mental health but if the world stayed as beautiful as this, he knew he could get through it. Soon enough he was stood in front of the large company building and took a breath. Felix walked in confidently and asked the receptionist if he could talk to the manager that oversaw his contract. The receptionist looked shocked but still called the manager and told Felix he could head up. 

This was it. Even before he had a chance to knock the man said in his low and gruff voice "come in" so that is exactly what he did. "I wish to end my contract with JYP"..."why couldn't handle the fact that you failed? giving up on your dream? "…"No but I have decided to join a different company it seems to suit me more and the memories here are too much..."Fair enough kid I'll go get the papers ok?" Felix nodded curtly and decided to look around the office for what would be the last time ever and even though he was very upset about what was happening he felt that maybe it was for the best so he could find the place he truly belonged. However, that was possibly because he decided to not think of anything related to his ex-members because it was too much pain to even think of. Quiet steps could be heard, and Felix was knocked out of his dazed state it was time. The manager brought the papers too him with a pen, so Felix read through them and signed it. This was it he was no longer apart of JYP. The manager enveloped him in a hug and spoke “everyone will miss you dearly Felix” he replied curtly with a slight thank you. 

Felix left silently to his no-longer dorm and grabbed some money and his things he decided before the audition, which was tomorrow, he would stay in a hostel so he could be free for one night. Obviously, he was not okay, but he decided the best thing for him to do now is get a new change of scenery and just block out his feelings for now. Even still he was a little excited for his new beginning.


	2. The audition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this book has 2 which was an accident but both books will be updated with the same chapters so you can still keep it here and read the exact same thing here any ways this is slightly sad but it is mostly happy please enjoy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I strongly recommend for you to listen to the song cigarette by offonoff whilst listening thank you and sorry it is a little late

It was early morning the next day and Felix was getting ready he put on simple clothes because if he was about to audition, he wasn’t going to wear a pair of black skinny jeans. He headed out of the hostel he was at the night before in which he had the first good sleep he’d had in about a month and even met some cool travellers from France. Felix did not want to waste his money, so he decided to walk to rainbow entertainment due to the fact it was only about 10 minutes away and that he wanted to look at the scenery once more. 

After that peaceful walk he finally arrived and noticed it was much smaller than the JYP building which was what he was expecting but still. When he walked in, he was met by a sea of faces excited for auditions which made him slightly anxious but overall, he was so excited for his fresh start. He noticed a seat in-between two boys and asked if he could sit, they both silently nodded seemingly quite nervous for what was about to happen and instead of trying to interact with possible new friends he decided to look on his phone. 

Slowly and carefully, Felix pulled out the completely battered phone and turned it on because after he realised that he would never be with his family again he could not handle the thought of even talking to them without wanting to burst into heavy sobs. Still once turned on at least 50 notifications probably more had popped up with around 16 calls from Chan and then a flurry of messages from the others Felix felt bad for not replying to the people he loved but they left him and didn’t keep their promise what else was he supposed to do stick with it and pretend he was fine not a chance so he made the final decision if he passed the audition, he would block them. Not because he did not love them, but he loved them too much and it would make him so fucking sad to see them happy without him so he had to leave and ignore them so he would not have to be reminded of his failure. 

Soon enough his name was finally called he took a deep breath and checked his pulse which is normally what he did when he was nervous. He stepped into the room and there sat the judges one seemingly taller than the other ones with narrow features that he soon found out was the leader of the company named Kim ji-Hun the other two were not important as it seemed though. Felix stood in the middle of the room under the watchful eye of the judges his nerves started to grow but he could do this he had to prove JYP wrong. 

The narrow-featured man spoke “name, age, where are you from, what will you be performing?” ...”Lee Felix, 17 years old, Australia and a dance to the song cigarette by offonoff”...”alright you may continue”. You see the song cigarette was an important song because it was what he currently felt most of all and he knew the way he could finally let out all his feelings was through this song. It was a slow-ish song, so he decided to go with a slow contemporary mixed with an odd but fitting form of hip-hop. He was finally doing what he loved and just following the flow of music, dance was his form of expression, his passion and all he really wanted to do in life was follow the music in his heart. Slowly the music faded out and the judges were in awe he was unlike most of the other auditions and just went with the flow and you could tell he was in pain, but he expressed it in such a beautiful manor truly a black swan. Felix was pulled out of his trance when they said thank you and if he waited, they would announce the results after all the auditions. 

Felix stepped out quietly feeling somewhat accomplished and like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. He walked back to where he was originally sat but found someone else sat there instead and decided to look for somewhere else to loiter. Quickly he found a group of 4 boys and a space next to them. “would you mind if I sit here” ...”oh not at all my names Choi Junji nice to meet ya” the boy that introduced himself was a seemingly tall blonde-haired boy with rosy cheeks and looked to Felix like an angel. Soon the 3 other boys heads turned to Felix and they all blushed. He was the epitome of adorable and they all just swooned at the small, freckled boy. Felix quickly realised they were staring so soon enough a small blush adorned the sunshine boy’s face. “HI I’m Lee Felix I love video games, baking and cuddles OH! I am also 17 years of age how about all of you?” soon someone new piped up they had blue long hair in the style of a mullet and was around 6’2 which too Felix that boy was a giant. “yo wassup I’m your resident harry potter Earth Satao yes I am fully aware of the lightning scar I love videogame, all dog’s and hate cheese so do not get me started on that” the next boy to talk was Still taller than Felix and he wondered what he ever did to be cursed as short for the rest of his life. “hey dude my names Kaito Yori I am from japan funnily enough I do love anime also I am really lazy and love cake yes I’m aware of the weird whit ass patches on my face and body it’s vitiligo” the final boy was also incredibly tall but so cute with curly ash blonde hair and one green and one green eye with the other being brown but with golden flecks “Ian Lay remember that I like cats, cereal especially Frosties and I’m from the Philippines and yes my eyes are beautiful I know” Felix completely agreed with Ian his eyes were beautiful. After their introductions they started talking about their lives and it all turned out they were from different countries and none of them being native to Korea which they found hilarious. 

About an hour later auditions were finished and the boys were nervous especially Felix. Kaito noticed this and went in to hold his hand Felix happily excepted the kind gesture and smiled at him Kaito felt a blush coming up his face and just nodded in return. The man with sharp features came out and suddenly Kaito felt a tight squeeze on his hand which put the biggest smile on his face. “The boys that will be training to be part of our new group retrograde Choi Junji, Earth Satao, Kaito Yori, Ian Lay and finally Lee Felix please come to the practice room and we will inform you on what will happen next” the boys jumped up in joy and Felix felt soft tears fall on his face he was so happy Junji noticed and started to wipe away the youngers tears and pulled him into a bear hug. There new manager piped up “I know your all excited but hurry up we haven’t got all day” The boys quickly reacted at an almost sonic speed and ran into the practice room and lined up with their shoulders touching all spilling with glee. “Okay boys your group name will be retrograde all 5 of you will train together for a year and in the last 2 months of that year you will debut as a group of 5” Ian decided to ask the question they had all genuinely been thinking “not to be rude but why us” ...”well you all are black swans or each of you is someone who many people would think you can’t be a kpop idol and you are going to prove them wrong by being the black swan” “Anyways your concepts will be feminine your group will be a complete retrograde to standard kpop it will be hard but I believe in you boy’s please read these contracts sign them and hand them to me after we will talk about where you will be staying whilst in your trainee period” 

Felix had done it he got into rainbow agency and he is going to debut with his new friends. He felt relief and once again started to cry all the other boys turned to Felix with soft looks on their face and brought the young aussie into a hug. After them all comforting Felix their new boss introduced what they would be doing in the group “Choi Junji you will be the group's main rapper, leader and will help produce the music of retrograde” …”Earth Satao you will be the lead singer and help with lyrics for your music” ...”Kaito Yuri the oldest of the group you will also help produce music and will br the lead rapper” ...”Ian Lay you will be a main dancer but also sing I also intend to get your help with your outfits” ...”and Felix you will be the groups maknae, you will choreograph the groups dances and rap. You all will be staying in a dorm nest door to the company I have faith in you make me proud boys” 

And that was exactly what they were going to do.


	3. Sunflower-adoration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh this is kinda angsty and has mentions of s*cide but that is only small but there is some sad stuff so sorry in advance but please enjoy and thank you for reading. Sorry it is a little late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do not read if topics of anxiety and s*cide trigger you even if it is only about a sentence in the story and if you ever need to talk to someone please talk to someone or even me who writes stupid fanfiction. Everything in this fic is purely fiction thankyou AND PLEASE ENJOY also remember to eat and drink something today. I'm proud of you :3 <3

Chapter 3: sunflowers blooming 

Training was tough Felix was not stupid he already knew it would be but even if it was hard. His Hyung's had kept him going through these months officially they were 2 months away from their debut which meant they were going to start preparing for their debut and the group was buzzing with excitement whilst waiting for their incredibly soft hearted yet stern looking manager. Once again Felix was looking at the scenery outside the window and reminiscing on the past months with his hyung’s there had been many up’s and downs, but they stuck through it all and were sitting here today. These boy’s he was sat with were his world and he was so happy to be where he was now. The issue with straykids for him was clean cut Felix did not hate them but more felt betrayed. He was glad he had blocked them but the only reason for that was that he did not want to be reminded of what he thought would be a constant failure shoved in his face which of course it was not a failure but tell that to Felix’s brain. 

*Flashback to a week after Felix left JYP* 

Straykids were distraught that they would be debuting as 7 and because of this they used distractions to hide their pain. In addition, Felix had not even messaged them which honestly made the pain 2x worse they loved their small sunshine with all their heart and could not take the fact he was gone but what could they do about it? Chan had enough of Felix ignoring the groups constant messages and decided to go to the dorm he knew he was staying at. It was not a long walk and he arrived there in no time and knocked on the door. The boy that had answered was another trainee, but Chan didn’t know his name. “Uh is Lee Felix here I desperately need to talk to him” ...” Dude if you mean the cute, freckled guy he isn't here” and even though it annoyed him to hear someone else call Felix cute he wanted answers, so he replied “what do you mean? Where is he” ...”well I heard he switched company's but that is just a rumour ask the manager” Chan was in shock but quickly uttered a small thank you and sprinted off to the company. Due to his Olympic level fast running he arrived after about 10 minutes and quickly headed into the company. Chan needed answers and he was going to get them. 

Chan walked in with sense of dread because if Felix left that just would break him and his bandmates. Finally, he arrived Infront of the office and walked in “Where is Felix?” ... “I knew this would come sooner or later Chan sit down this is going to be some hard news to take” ...”I DON’T WANT TO SIT DOWN I WANT ANWSERS AND FELIX” ...”okay calm down as you may or may not know Felix left our company around a week ago and switched to rainbow entertainment, I was informed he got into the company but that is all I know”...”why did you not try to stop him?” ...”I did not stop him because if I did, he would probably be unhappy and sometimes we must sacrifice what we want for someone else to be happy Felix is a great kid, but he could not be here anymore Chan you of all must know that the most”. Which of course he did he could understand but that did not mean in any way he wanted to accept that fact “okay Chan, now go tell your members I know it will be hard thing to tell them, but you can have the day off tomorrow to get all your feelings in order” 

He was distraught and he knew this news would honestly break the members not to add on to the fact that Felix had mostly likely blocked them all this was not going to go well. So, Chan took his time to walk back to just to prolong the inevitable, but he was the leader, and they need to know. Whilst walking he decided to think about how to tell the members and quickly messaged them telling them he had something important to say and they needed to have a family meeting he got many whines but as soon as he said it was about Felix they all quickly agreed. Chan had finally arrived at the dorms It was time when he walked into the living room he was met with the solemn faces of his members and sat down with them. They all looked at him expectantly, so he took a deep breath and decided to finally tell them “Felix has switched company's and I suspect he also blocked us all” the boys did not know how to react and left the room in an incredibly uncomfortable silence the first noise to be heard was the sound of Jeongin beginning to sob and crying out for his hyung soon after the others joined in and the team was an entire mess this would not be easy to get through. Minho was the first to even utter any words “I failed as a hyung why? Why could he not be added as well” soon after there were murmurs of disagreement, but they all knew that overall, they failed as friends, as members but most of all family and it hurt to know that. 

After about 2 hours of constant crying the boys were exhausted and decided to go to sleep and talk about it tomorrow as they were all to emotionally drained to talk about the subject any longer. None of the members wanted to be alone at this time so they decided to go sleep together in groups because none of them could really be trusted to be by themselves at this moment in time. Soon they drifted into deep sleep dreading the conversation to come. 

*end of flashback* 

Felix was pulled out of his trance by his manager entering with a huge smile on his face. ” Hello boy’s as you know we are 2 months away from your debut so now it is time to get ready for your debut” the boys were practically vibrating in their seats from excitement “as I am aware you have a song ready now all we need is choreography and an M/V I have faith in you boy’s make me proud... now what is the song called?” Junji smiled then replied “The song is called semicolon this is because we have all each gone through tough times and the semicolon on one's body is about spreading awareness on suicide and we want to show people that it is not the only answer we all went through struggles in our past and we want to help others like us it will be a R&B style song we hope you will like it” there manager was impressed and new he made the right decision about these boy’s his boy’s. “That is a wonderful idea now what concept are we going for” which is when their resident style icon Ian spoke “We have decided that for the concept it will be soft but with hints of a darker style to represent fake smile so for the outfits they will be colourful, but will all have one dark piece to them” Felix piped up and started to talk about the choreography “For the choreography I was thinking maybe we could have one main person who is the one with the depressing feelings and the others could be the dark thought’s like controlling the person but um we could maybe do something else”. The other boys stared at their maknae in awe they all knew what he had been through but to them he was such a beautiful and kind ball of fluff who they all not so subtly agreed to protect with their lives. That was their Lixie and even though they had only known each other for a few months their bond was so incredibly strong and if anyone hurt their sunshine their would-be hell to pay. 

The meeting was over, so they all decided to go home hand in hand and Felix said he would cook for all his hyung’s as he was so proud. The boys were so excited that they started to drag Felix because his cooking way to die for. “ok ok Hyung's I will fasten my pace but stop pulling so hard my arm is gonna fall of” soon enough they arrived at their dorm which was a decent sized apartment with 1 bathroom, a kitchen, a small living room and 2 bedrooms but they were on the larger side, so it was comfy. Ian loved decorating and made it his duty to make their entire home aesthetic on a budget because and I quote “If this dorm is not at least somewhat! Aesthetically pleasing I will tear your hair out and then my own” so to prevent early hair loss they all agreed but because of this they all loved their dorm. In addition, because none of them were native to Korea they had their country wall which was an entire wall dedicated to them and the things they loved from their homes and had each home country’s respective flags it truly lit up their dorm and made it feel like home. 

“Alright I will start cooking now any requests?... Kaito hyung?”...”oh could you maybe try and make ramen” Felix loved the idea and enthusiastically started cooking while the other boys decided to play on the ps4 courtesy of Earth who had been given it as a congrats from his parents so obviously it became the teams and not just Earth this had been decided by Kaito who screamed “sharing is caring now share bitch!” as soon as it came in the post. After around an hour and a half the food was done and they all sat at the table sharing friendly conversations and stupid jokes. The jokes part was mainly up to the fact they took every chance to make Felix laugh why? Because that boy’s giggle was the purest thing ever and they would do anything to hear it even if it meant they had to thoroughly embrace themselves, but it was all worth it to here there little dongsaeng giggle it was honestly like a superpower they were all so whipped, but they wouldn’t admit that. Finally, the food was all gone, and they decided to take an early night because tomorrow would be so busy. 

They all retreated into their respective rooms they all decided to pull straws as to see who stayed in what room when they moved in because they were all fighting over who was with Felix ultimately it was Earth who pulled the other green stick straw thing. The room Earth and Felix shared was the smaller one due to their only being 2 of them and inside there were too small-double beds however normally they only used one because Felix really like to cuddle, and Earth was happy to comply. They had a large clothes rail filled with a rainbow of outfits and accessory's and their walls were painted a light blue with adorable little clouds painted on courtesy of the other members on a whole it really represented both boy’s personality's even if Earth was more mature, he was a generally happy guy and honestly even if Felix wanted bright pink bunnies on the walls he would agree because it’s Felix what other explanation does he need? 

“Hyung? Are you excited for tomorrow”...”of course I am little pixie we get to be together alllll day and you get to show your favourite hyung’s your amazing skills” Felix tensed up and Earth now knew what was wrong “Felix you are perfect you will not be eliminated everyone of this team loves you unconditionally and will never let you go sunny retrograde isn’t retrograde without our cute talented sun kissed maknae” and when he said this, he really meant it. All of them had past issues with many things like poor mental health and this had happened a few times before so whenever it did all the boys would join in a massive cuddle pile eventually falling asleep. Felix’s eyes let out a few tears, but Earth was quick to react by pulling him closer in the bed until Felix was in his chest and uttered sweet nothings into the youngers ears until he slowly fell asleep. As soon as Felix was asleep Earth messaged their group chat. 

SPiCy bOi’s: 

Spin me right round: okay boy’s our perfect little ray of sunshine has just been putting himself down and crying soooooooo all of you get your crusty dusty asses here for cuddles 

Heart eyes: I’m sorry but did you just say my little sunshine baby has been crying I’m omw 

KArEN: I’m on my way but Junji really said nyooom lol 

Snufkin's lil bitch: I will be there don’t wanna be sqaure eyy but a bitch really be worried bout his sunshine baby it’s me I'm bitch 

Suddenly 3 worried boys rushed into the room and frowned at the sight of a red-faced Felix tomorrow they were all going to tell Felix how much he meant to them maybe even a little bit more than friends, but they would never admit that or at least not any time soon. Silently they joined Earth in his bed it was a tight squeeze because of how unbelievably tall they all were but they managed to fit everyone. As soon as everyone was on Felix started to cuddle up to the others whispering a quiet, I love you in his sleep making the others coo at their sunshine boy. They all decided to start sleeping otherwise they would be exhausted the next day and they drifted into sleep dreaming of wonderful things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heart eyes- Junji  
> spin me right round- Earth  
> snufkins lil bitch- Kaito  
> kArEN-Ian


	4. The birth of the black swans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is really late and kinda short I have had a bad day but please enjoy people commenting, liking and reading my work really helped me today. I just want to say I'm grateful for you and you did great today please make sure to take care of yourself and even if you think no one loves you or is here for you I am and I'm incredibly proud of you and love you all very much even if we have never talked before. If you ever need someone to talk to please talk to me . For everyone who read this even if you don't like it thank you your comments genuinely make me cry sometimes because of how happy they make me ʕノ•ᴥ•ʔノ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧(´∩｡• ᵕ •｡∩`) ♡

It was the day of Retrogrades performance debut and they were all incredibly excited the boys had put so much effort into making this perfect for their fans. Two days before their performance official M/V had been released and the feedback they got was incredible and many people had begun to stan them due to their apparent ridiculous talent. Apparently, many of their new fans were going to be coming to their showcase and that honestly warmed their hearts because that meant people cared about what they had to say. Their M/V started off in darkness and one light shining with Felix laying down on the dark floor and when the music started the other boys slowly walk into the shot, they decided for their first m/v they decided to go simple and through it all they would be performing there perfect maknaes choreography with some added elements to give it more of a wow factor. Whilst they were dancing the lights fluctuated to represent the feeling from the song. The song was precious to all the members because it was what they felt they were putting themselves out there and obviously they got hate for what music they put out Korea was a very conservative country, but the boys couldn’t seem to care as they knew if they could help just one person it would all be worth it. 

There outfits were honestly so pretty, and they absolutely fell in love some of them were wearing crop tops that were colourful but had a sort of sick-cute style inspired from Japanese clothing to show the true nature of the song all the boys had different versions of blue flowy jeans on with some having melted smiley faces of cute pink pill’s with heats on them. The style they were going for was achieved however, the main contrast in their outfits was there make up which was very simple as just a little bit of eyeshadow and dark eyeliner that was heavily smudged. The boys were genuinely in love with what they were wearing. Another surprise for their fans is that they had decided to incorporate ribbons into their dance to signify how sometimes those dark thoughts entrap you and you cannot escape but at the end of the day they may never leave but it will always get easier which is why gradually the ribbons would loosen from Felix’s arms. They others were genuinely astounded when Felix came up with this idea and fell for the little sunshine boy just a little more it was so amazing of what there sunny could come up with and they were so happy Felix was here with them today about to have their first ever live performance. 

For the moment they were on standby in a waiting room Ian and Felix were cuddled up on one of the blue mats provided with the rest of their members just staring in adoration at the cute little fluffballs. It was about an hour till they were due to perform as they had already ha there run through what Felix and the others failed to remember was that straykids would also be performing on the show just before retrograding and this came as a big shock when they were watching the tv and they saw straykids running through their routine. Felix sat frozen whilst staring at the tv and his once family he was about a second away from crying until Junji their faithful manager pulled the boy into a tight hug to prevent that from happening at the same time the others were racing around to find that damned remote to turn off what shall not be named. The rest joined into a massive cuddle pile practically suffocating Felix, but he knew they meant well by it and it honestly really helped put a smile on his face. Just to make Felix better Earth and Kaito decided they would make him laugh but they did it in the stupidest way possible. A skit. Kaito decided to start it by walking around the room “ a what a nice day I sure hope nothing bad happens” and as soon as Kaito said that Earth took that as initiative to do a blooming cartwheel into the scene “yo wasssuuuuu I'm here to break your jiggy wiggy jams and fight thee with the power of god and anime” ...”aight bitch come at me I am ready you are about to go down to the ground like a root and then I'm gonna make you photosynthesise how’d you feel about that bitch” and as soon as that had been even uttered as a sentence out of Kaito’s mouth Felix and the others burst out laughing to the point some of them were curling in on themselves because their friends were the definition of crackhead culture. 

After a while the laughter had died down and the boy’s started to talk about stupid topics like how meat cereal would taste like and then a large group discussion and then vote to decide if cereal was a darn soup. As they were having so much fun the time flew buy and it was 15 minutes to their performance, so it was time to get mic’d up all the boy’s had headsets on because even if they were going to be performing live it would be hard to sing rap and dance with a microphone in their hands. Whilst this was happening Felix’s arms were being wrapped in white silky and quite long ribbons after about 10 minutes of figuring everything out, they were finally ready. All the boys held hands a squeezed them as a signal that they were going to do well. Earth however quickly piped up “Yo leader ain’t you supposed to say something inspiring?” ...”oh okay well let’s do well today and I am so glad to be here with my 4 favourite boy’s I love you let’s tear the place down” and as soon as that was said they were told to walk onto stage. 

Quickly they got into their positions and the spotlight came on Felix was on his knees in the middle of the group with the others grabbing onto him the audience went silently excitedly anticipating the new rookie groups performance. The soft music began to play and suddenly the group surrounded Felix to make it look like he had nowhere to run gradually as the song progressed their movements got more ragged and flustered whilst the ribbons were slowly being rapped around Felix while he did as spin to show that he was breaking and could not escape. Then the beat started to get slower and calmer in nature and Felix was loosely beginning to get out the tangle that was the ribbons. All their fans and the other members of the audience were honestly in awe and it genuinely felt they were conveying this big story and that was what they were felling. Not only that but the boy's beauty honestly shocked them they were each different but gorgeous in every single way no one could look away. Finally, the song was in the last couple of notes and Felix was almost full free of his previous constraints when in the last notes the others pulled Felix up and he spread his arms wide and he flapped his arms like a bird to show he was finally free. There was a quick pause then suddenly the audience burst out in screams and praise and it made them so happy people loved their work which only inspired them to get better so they could continue to be on stage. 

What the boys however failed to realise was that straykids was to perform after them and watched retrograde through the wings in astonishment. That was Felix. He had made it there once best friend and teammate had debuted of course they were happy for him he got his dream, but it was just the fact that It wasn’t with them that truly stung. All throughout retrogrades performance straykids were shocked they were incredibly amazing for only a rookie group even if they were incredibly jealous, they were also very proud of him. Retrogrades performance was over, and it was truly amazing, and they deserved all the praise they got but they wished they were the ones who got to dance and have Fun with Felix. 

Felix, Kaito, Junji, Earth and Ian started to walk into the wings when Ian noticed straykids so he signalled the boys to surround Felix to protect him bit Felix had noticed the sudden tension and tried to look through the gaps between his tall as giant hyung’s and then he saw the last people he wanted to ever see again. Chan called out to Felix, but he just looked away with small tears beginning to poor out his eyes. He could not do this today and just grabbed onto his closest hyung and burry himself in their chest. Soon after the disastrous interaction the others began to wipe the youngers tears and speak encouraging words to him. This was supposed to be the happiest day of his life so why was he crying like this? Junji looked at his maknae and thought over what to tell him and he concluded “Hey baby I know it’s hard but maybe you should try to get closure, but I won’t force you and hey put a smile on your face I bet you 15,000 won we will win this thing” Felix shook his head at the first part and agreed to the bet not because he didn’t think they would win but just because losing his money would get his mind of everything. 

Now it was time for awards and the boys were ready even if they didn’t win, they were just happy to perform and be there. The others made sure Felix was being protected and agreed the tallest would get to hug him whilst they were announcing the winners which was Earth who made it his duty to protect Felix from all the evils. The mc’s came out who today were Hongjoong of ateez and Jiung of P1harmony. “hello everyone, we are happy to announce all the votes are in and the winners of today are the amazingly talented new group RETROGRADE” Jiung handed them the trophy and the other idols including straykids started to walk off stage. However, before straykids left Jeongin quickly sneaked a small piece of paper into Felix's pocket. After everyone except retrograde left the stage semicolon started playing and the boys being their goofy ass selves started to do the stupid tiktok dances Felix loved so much. There fans were screaming and chanting their names it was truly such a happy scene. “Hi everyone, I’m the leader of retrograde and I just want to say thank you so much we are honoured to have you like our music and watch our performance the first months of us training together was tough, but we came out stronger than ever. I would like to say if you ever going through something hard or you have just had a bad day please come talk to us you are perfect the way you are and I'm happy to have you as our fans or should I say our sunflowers” the fans once again erupted in loud cheers at their new fandom name. The boys had picked the name because sunflowers represented adoration, loyalty and longevity truly a perfect name they thought. 

The boys rushed of stage to meet their manager and CEO Ji-hun who pulled all five into a fatherly hug “I’m so proud of you well done boys you did good today” and that is when everyone burst into tears they had done it, they made it they were achieving their dreams and doing it together was just a massive bonus. The black swans had finally been born and were beginning to spread their wings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I'm sorry for the late update and how short it is I love you all thank you for reading :3 <3


	5. A decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lee Felix makes a decision but before hand there is a lot of thinking to be done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone someone has informed me of the similarities between this and another book that has many similarities I just wanted to say this is all my own work mostly from past experiences however I have now been informed and read it so I have decided to make sure none of these similarities occur again. Thank you for informing me and I hope you all have a wonderful day. Please remember to eat something and stay hydrated and just remember I'm so incredibly proud of you well done for making it through the day or even week I love you all   
> (୨୧•͈ᴗ•͈)◞ᵗʱᵃᵑᵏઽ*♡ ʕ ◔ᴥ◔ ʔ

When they got home, Felix lay awake in his shared room and was thinking about the number in his pocket and what to do with it. There were pro’s and con’s in each scenario but in his head, he genuinely believed that they would have forgotten about him and talking to them even reconnecting just felt like to much pain for Felix he could not go through losing them twice when eventual word got out or if they realised, they hated him. You see Felix was a man who lived in his mind and thought up multiple possible and impossible scenarios in his head this did not help when making decisions which is where dance came into Felix’s life. 7 years ago, when Felix had just turned 10 his whole family had gotten into a fight because he just did not want to be controlled by them anymore so in a huge panic Felix ran out of the house leaving behind his family. He was walking aimlessly across the streets of Sydney to just run from his thoughts when he stumbled across the only building with its lights on called ‘dream it big’ those words at the time felt foolish to Felix but none the less he stepped in. He was met with the soft eyes of a receptionist “hey kid what are you doing here so late” ... “um my parents were fighting so I ran, and I ended up here” … “Is that so? Then how about you let all that go through dance. Free of charge” … “but I don’t know how too” …" oh come on everyone knows how to dance” so Felix took her up on the free room and decided to just let his body be controlled by the music. The song he put on was close to his heart and was called Bar Code by two Korean rappers from the show called high school rapper Felix could relate to it in many ways and deemed it perfect for his first time ever in expressing himself through dance. What happened next to him was a mystery to him he just let his body be controlled by the words and beat and when he finished, he heard the receptionist lady clapping loudly which knocked him out of his incredibly focused state. “okay kid you sure you haven’t danced before because that was good way to good for a beginner” he shook his head no and ever since then the nice lady let him dance for free and about 5 months in, he finally he realises that the nice receptionist nice lady owned the whole place the whole place and was the manager which left Felix in quite a shock. Once Felix had decided to go to Korea, she was the only one that supported him and their relationship as they dubbed themselves was between mother and son. Felix had not been in contact with his real parents since he left Australia, but she always messaged him at least once a week. So, he decided to go back to the company and just dance his feelings away like he did back then maybe then he would get his answers that way. 

The street was dimly lit and very cold which was obvious since it was about 1 am in Seoul. Felix had his headphones in and listened to one of his many playlists. The sky was filled with stars, stars that held meaning and ones that held memories. All in all, it was making him feel quite nostalgic which was never really a bad thing in his books. Felix’s heart held a lot he has never been particularly open about himself and seemed to have an affinity for letting things bottle up, but he also cared and sometimes too much. Overall, Felix was a very contradictory person or more of an enigma or even a rubix cube but obviously these are all just metaphors based on someone's view or what he had been told Felix did not truly know who he was as a person. He understood many things did not match within him like his deep voice compared to the soft features of his face or even the words he voiced versus the words he kept in his head. Then he noticed that whilst he was deeply in his head that he had arrived his manager new about Felix so a few months in entrusted him with a key to the practice room that was connected to the company. As soon as he walked in, he felt the crisp coldness of the room. He shuddered and whispered softly “the perfect room to dance in”. Quietly he took out his new phone which was a gift from the entire group and his company which he loved and opened one of his playlists to find the perfect song. He came across photograph by offonoff which was a song he came across one night whilst he was cooking and for some reason the lyrics just stuck ya’know. It reminded him that even if everything was fast pace and changing at a constant rate it would all be okay. The music began to fill the room and it soon took over Felix’s body the song was generally quite slow pace but held so much emotion that Felix seemed to so easily convey. Emotions are hard, fickle and fragile things one cannot control their emotions. Dance and emotions are very similar to each other everyone can do it even though that there are some who may not feel emotions and are so incredibly closed off to the world but at least once in their life almost everyone has had one simple emotion. Whether that be jealousy, happiness or anything really. Emotions are the driving force of someone they determine so many things and yet so many people disregard them as useless when in actuality they are beautifully complex things in some peculiar way Felix related to emotions, but Felix really was just a peculiar guy. 

Soon enough the song faded away and left nothing but stillness and quiet by the end of the song Felix knew that he could genuinely not bare to talk to any of his ex-members he was aware it had been a year, but it was just too soon. Complex was all this situation was but, in all honesty, if Felix did reconnect in his head it would bring no good. Talking to them once more could bring heartbreak, scandals and to Felix that was just too much to bear and even though Felix had always been mature because he had to be in order to adhere to his parent's standards, he way only seventeen and still a child. Within his seventeen years of life, he had faced so much he was young but had experienced much of the world specifically the darker side. Obviously not by his own volition but this was a factor in the many reasons he just could not reconnect with straykids again. And his final goodbye, his 영원히 안녕 and his sayonara to his chapter with straykids was when he chucked that tiny little phone number in the small green bin with a rainbow on it. 

After that was over, he locked up and headed out, but he did not want to go home just yet. So, he decided to do some reminiscing and to visit his favourite 2 of favourite places he had found whilst in Seoul Korea. The first being a coffee shop called Zinnia and was only open at night the shop was named after the flower which meant ‘Thoughts of faded love’ when he and his team first came upon the café, he thought it was completely sardonic, but he had grown to love it. Slowly he walked up to the counter and greeted the barista “Hi sir how can I help you today?” … “yea I was wondering if I could get a lavender coffee and 5 almond croissants” the barista quickly nodded his head and got to work and after about 5 minutes his order was ready. 

He sauntered out of Zinnia’s and got ready to catch the bus to his next and final destination, which was only about 15 minutes away on foot, but Felix was tired and had walked to much he felt he at least deserved this. The bus was devoid of any life and really felt like a scene from one of those Kdramas his friends loved so much but Felix felt like he would never find love or maybe he just felt like didn’t deserve it, but his brain couldn’t really differentiate between those two very well. Love was odd it could make you do ridiculous things or even completely change yourself and there were so many different types of love. There was love filled with toxicity and pain that you just couldn’t escape but at the same time there was pure unconditional love in which someone just loved you no matter your flaws someone who just loved you for you. Love was stupid but in matters of the heart so was Lee Felix and Felix desperately wanted that pure unconditional love that would last a lifetime. He just wanted someone to be there for him and in exchange he would be there for them. But he had never and probably will never feel that he was an idol and love was not really an easy option for idols. 

The bus had come to a halt and Felix had arrived. He walked down the silent walkway of the bus and softly thanked the driver with a slight bow before getting off and started walking to his destination. It was quite close by to the bus stop he had arrived at the small play park with 2 swings, a slide and a hopscotch track in its last days of living. Immediately Felix ran to the swings because they made him feel on top of the world, like he was free and could do anything he wanted which was obviously something he did could not do but was really what he desperately wanted. Felix spent hours just swinging on the old and rusting play equipment until the sun decided to start rising which informed him it was time to head home and see his friends and maybe another coffee. He picked up the food he had earlier purchased and headed off home. 

Once he got home, he realised all the others were still asleep so he decided as well as the croissants he would make the boys some hot chocolate and toast with eggs sunny side up on them and his signature ketchup smiley face. Slowly but surely all the boys woke up and were dragged out of their rooms by the intoxicating smell of breakfast. “Morning boy’s I’m making breakfast get dressed and washed up and then you could eat” the others reacted at almost lightning speed, but Ian was already ready for the day, so he just stepped over to Felix and entrapped him in a tight back hug. “okay I know you like me a lot but let go otherwise the food will burn” … “ah our perfect sunshine we love you a lot also have I ever told you how your perfect husband material?” … “many times now go sit down or no food for you mister” too which reluctantly Ian complied. Finally, the other 4 had finished so they sat down where breakfast was set on the table and their mouths started to not so subtly drool. “less drooling more eating or do I have to take away your food” they all hurriedly replied with a spewing of “no sir’s” whilst collectively ‘protecting’ their precious food like they were golem or something. Felix looked at his hyungs and faintly smiled he didn’t need straykids he had his friends right here and even though love was stupid Felix loved them and wouldn’t change his 4 adorably stupid yet smart and strong willed hyung’s for the world. 

Felix spent the rest of that day hanging out with his elders talking about nonsensical things that had no true meaning, sharing stupid jokes as well as fighting over video games and most importantly being together because that was all they truly needed, each other. If Felix had his hyung’s he could make it through anything he was sure of it and that’s all he needed right now. Assurance. 

The boys had noticed a slight change in Felix and not a bad change but a seemingly good change. He seemed to be at peace and happy he truly looked as though he was free. They did not know what was particularly going on but as long as there sunny was safe and happy they were happy. All of them new what Felix had experienced each and every boy in the team had some heavy baggage, but they were generally quite open about it whereas Felix was never quite that open and that was okay everyone is different some people just do not express emotions well. All of them loved Felix with their whole hearts he had gone through a lot and was still going through a lot, but he put on a brave face every day and got through it. That was their amazing little maknae and they would do everything in their power to keep that sunshine boy shining bright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know cows have a best friend that they hangout with everyday . Also if this chapter seems a lil funky that is because I was really going through it. But I hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading I am so happy you made it through the day well done you did great today as always remember to eat something and stay hydrated I know it is tough but you can get through this it may take a little while but all story's take a while develop. I love you all and thank you for reading my work ʕ๑￫ᴥ￩๑ʔ ʕ ·ᴥ·ʔ<3ʕ·ᴥ· ʔ ʕ♡˙ᴥ˙♡ʔ


	6. Yarrow-protection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today was an ordinary day or maybe not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :3 I would just like to give a T/W for anxiety and panic attacks. I hope you have all have amazing days and please try to get rest and make sure to eat and drink something. Please remember no one is perfect and if you have had a bad day that sometimes we need to have a bad day so the good ones shine a little better.   
> also I will not be posting tomorrow as I am incredibly busy but something should be released on Monday   
> Also while reading I recommend you listen to uwu by suggi  
> ʕ♡˙ᴥ˙♡ʔ♡thank you♡ * ૂི•̮͡• ૂ ྀෆ⃛﹡೫٭ॢ*⋆♡⁎೨ ♡⃛ෆ͙⃛ ॢ٭ॢ*⋆♡⁎೨

Yarrow-protection 

Their debut was a success, and the boys could not have been prouder of each other today their schedule was quite clear except they had to make a YouTube video cover to the song uwu by suggi which was a song they all felt was quite representative of them and after that their manager said he would take them out for dinner free of charge as a congrats for winning the award. So quickly the boys got ready for their video by doing their makeup and getting dressed in a sort of cottage core style. Honestly, they all loved it each of their outfits consisted of multiple browns and yellows and the odd blue which Felix was in. The drive to the area they were filming at which was a cute little park with swings and tones of picnic benches was filled with laughs and giggles at the ridiculous vine references that Felix and Kaito loved so much especially the one with some Elmo character in them they had no clue except it was hilarious. 

There makeup was not extravagant except each of them had a little face painted detail Junji had a smiley face that was melting, Earth had a little pink guitar outline, Kaito had a moon, Ian had a sunflower and Felix had a constellation painted along his freckles. Many of the boys had learned the instruments to this song so the video would be them playing and performing this in the park. The day was clear, and the sun was even out, so it was a perfect day for the shooting all the boys were excited to be covering this song as often on Friday nights when they all needed to vent, they screamed this song at the top of their lungs and let it all out. The instruments and microphones were set up around them and all-in pastel colours brightening up the area around them. There were quite a few people around them in the park with their phone cameras out wondering what was happening, so they decided to put on a good show. 

Kaito began to play the intro on the piano and then Earth joined in with the drums after the few bars of no singing Felix joined in by singing Junji was playing the guitar while Ian was playing bass and all of them joined in when adlibs came up. 

If you wanna love me you're lovin' the wrong me, wrong me   
Stars are only pretty from a far   
(Hee)   
Take the time and try to get to know me, know me   
Fuck the boy that plays the guitar, Oh 

These lyrics were really important to the boys because being an idol was not pretty. Sure, they got love from all their fans but to get that love they all had to leave their family and practice at ungodly hours of the day they had to sacrifice so much and sometimes they cried and hurt they were no different from anyone else except they were in the spotlight. Being a star was in no way pretty, but it was their life and they loved it, but they just wished people would stop thinking idols have this perfect life with so much money because they had to do so much to get where they are today. 

It's the gratitude I have for my ex-friends   
For the bops, and for payin' up my rent (Mm)   
All the kisses I'ma hand it all right back   
But you don't have to be afraid of me 

Me, me, me   
We all got that side you wanna hide   
I'm not what u think I am 

All the boys related; however, Felix did the most because his ex-friends were the reason he was here today. Without being eliminated he would have never met his 4 favourite Hyung's in the world so he was incredibly grateful which made him slightly re-think his decisions about throwing out jeongin’s number but now was not really the time to be thinking about that honestly. Slowly the end lines of piano began to play and the crowd that had gathered when they were performing erupted in cheers and compliments, so they bowed and started to pack up all the instruments excited to get free food from there manager. After the cleansing was all finished, they now had to decide where to eat. Felix wanted Korean barbeque so obviously that was what they did who were they to deny their adorable little maknae. 

The place they had decided to eat it was called elliptical which was a small barbecue place with a galaxy theme about 20 minutes from their filming location they had never been before, but it had amazing reviews on google maps, so they decided why not. They were guided to their seats which was a small booth kind of thing in the corner of the restaurant with little glow in the dark stars hung from the sealing to slightly light up the dimly lit room. They had decided to spend as much of the managers money on the food they possibly could why? Because free food is free food, and you must make the best of it most of the food they ordered was really nice quality beef and pork, but they also ordered a few interesting drinks that were a restaurant speciality like ‘super nova’ or ‘nebula’. 

After about half an hour into their meal slowly people started to leave the restaurant until it was literally only them and the workers. However, that was only until the bell on the door at the front rung and 7 rowdy males came walking in and asked for their reserved table. Retrograde were too focused on the meat grilling to even notice it until those 7 boys were sitting in the booth opposite of them. The first to notice the added noise was Ji-Hun (the manager) who quickly reacted by trying to subtly get the attention of one of the members that was not Felix as he did not want to startle the sunshine boy who was currently happily showing of his mosquito impression to the others. Even though Ji-hun tried to do this straykids had seen them and let out a large gasp and then Hyunjin let out a loud cry “FELIX” to which rigidly Felix turned his head afraid to look because he knew who it was. Felix was not ready for this and as quick as he could ran to the nearest bathroom and hid in the furthest stall leaving 12 shocked men. The first one to react to Felix running was Ian who run off after the younger but not before shouting “sort this out while I help Lixie” the others of retrograde nodded and gave a signal to straykids to sit down so they could have a discussion about what was going to happen next. 

“Hello, I am Bang Chan the leader of straykids do you think we could talk to you about reconnecting with Felix?” ...” ah yes, we have heard about you through our sunny and we may talk about it, but I cannot guarantee you will be able to because this is Felix’s decision not ours” to which the other members nodded as a sign of agreement to what their leader was saying. The next to speak was Changbin who asked if anyone had any ideas about how to reconnect to which retrograde replied that it would probably be best to do online as seeing each other face to face may be too much for Felix but even if they were to do that the contingency was that they had to let the other members of retrograde to also be a part of it to make sure none of them and I quote ‘fucked up again’ 

Meanwhile Felix was having a full-blown panic attack in the toilets but at least they were pretty. He felt like he was drowning and just couldn’t breathe or escape it was like he was tied to the bottom of the ocean with no way to run or hide in which the only thing he could do was cry. His vision was blurry and body shaking so it took a while to register that he was not the only one in the pretty toilets anymore. “Hey Felix, can you heart me it’s me Ian I promise nothing bad is going to happen I'm here can I come in please” he was met with a quiet grunt to which he took as acceptance. As soon as he opens the door he was met with a teary eyed and quite obviously shaken up Felix so he did what he knew was best and just pulled Felix into his chest so he could hear his heartbeat and as soon as this happened Felix shoved his head further. “It will be okay just follow the rhythm of my heart can you do that my little sunshine your safe don’t worry I’m here nothing can hurt you”. His breathing started to even out and his tears began to stop only leaving red tear tracks down his face. “Why are they here hyung? I can’t do this it’s too much” ... “I know. I know but Felix maybe it is time you faced your fears you don’t have to do it not even now, but something needs to happen you cannot stay scared for the rest of your life and if you do decide to do that me and the boys will be with you through it all I promise” Felix thought about the best and some part of Felix agreed with him so Against Ian’s chest he gave a small nod” 

The two boys headed out but not until after Felix had thrown some water on his face to try and get rid of some of the redness. When they arrived back at the table they were met with anticipation, but Ian new Felix could not bear to talk to anyone other than a few people right now as it would be too much, so he spoke up “Felix has decided to try and reconnect, but he does not particularly want to do this face to face however if Felix even sheds one and mean ONE tear because of you I will rip you to shreds” to which straykids replied with hurried nods as they did not particularly want to have an early death but it wasn’t like they were planning on hurting Felix in anyway already. “Okay Felix we thought maybe we could make a group chat between all of us and maybe that would maybe be the best way to do this”. Felix thought for a moment and concurred this would be the easiest and safest way to do this all, so he replied with a nod whilst shying away from the anticipating eyes of everyone 

Retrograde had decided to go home early as they could tell their maknae desperately needed to sleep after his panic attack due to it taking the energy out of the small ball of sun so quickly, they gathered all their things and uttered small goodbyes to the other group before they headed to the bus. The journey home was quiet and the only sound that could be heard was Felix’s soft snores and murmurings of sleep when they arrived home, they decided to just carry Felix in as he had a long day, and it was best he just slept for the time being. After putting Felix to bed they all went to their own rooms all thinking of what was yet to come and hoping they did not make the wrong decision by encouraging Felix to reconnect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :3 I would just like to give a T/W for anxiety and panic attacks. I hope you have all have amazing days and please try to get rest and make sure to eat and drink something. Please remember no one is perfect and if you have had a bad day that sometimes we need to have a bad day so the good ones shine a little better. 
> 
> also I will not be posting tomorrow as I am incredibly busy but something should be released on Monday 
> 
> ʕ♡˙ᴥ˙♡ʔ♡thank you♡ * ૂི•̮͡• ૂ ྀෆ⃛﹡೫٭ॢ*⋆♡⁎೨ ♡⃛ෆ͙⃛ ॢ٭ॢ*⋆♡⁎೨


	7. yellow tulip- sunshine in your smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey all I think I might be able to not finish this book while writing it kinda helps my mental health because a lot of it is my own emotions and experiences but to be honesty currently it takes effort for me to get out of bed and even eat nowadays I have not strictly decided whether I will be deleting it or not but if I am I will inform you all if that is what I do decide. I want to remind anyone reading this you are an amazing person and I'm so proud of you for making it this far in your life well done you did good today please remember to eat drink and sleep. εїз (⋈◍＞◡＜◍)。✧♡ (୨୧•͈ᴗ•͈)◞ᵗʱᵃᵑᵏઽ*♡

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* e-Lemon-ators*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ 

Heart eyes has added- kangarood, cat dad, calcifer +4 

Heart eyes- Hello all I am choi Junji I have made this group chat for the prospect of reconnection and I guess friendship  
Spin me right round- Hey y’all it is vibe time les vibe boi’s 

Snufkins lil bitch- Hey sorry about earth but he is always like that so get used to that one anyways Yori Kaito just call me Kaito tho  
kArEN- wassuuuuu dudes it’s Ian ya boi If you disrespect my memes I disrespect  
you 

Sunny ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ...- Hello it is Felix... I have nothing else to say 

Heart eyes- would you all be so kind to say your names  
as I have no clue which of you is which  
Kangarood- Hello I am Bang Chan leader  
of straykids okay boys introduce your self's  
I <3 darkness- hello all I am Seo Changbin nice to meet you all  
Calcifer- I mean technically just technically we are not meeting them but yooo  
is Han Jisung in the house 

I <3 darkness- you live just to spite me don’t you 

Calcifer- I do not agree or deny the statement 

Howl Pendragon- Howdy y’all it’s Hwang Hyunjin  
Decaf- Hello all It’s Kim Seungmin in the  
building  
Get that bread- Bonsoir bitches it’s Yang Jeongin don’t forget that or your nico nico kneecaps ain’t gonna be there no more 

Cat Dad- hello I am lee Minho and I love my 3 adorable cats you hurt them your dead 

Heart eyes- oki doki since I don’t want it to get awkward anyone got a topic, we can talk about. kArEN- Is cereal a soup? Or is a poptart  
ravioli  
Sunny ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ...- Okay first of all Hyung of course cereal is a soup but the AUDACITY you have to suggest  
a poptart could be ravioli is just manic fix yo self  
Spin me right round- okay but I totally agree with sunny like the AUDACITY you have  
is disgusting 

Get that bread- sorry bitches but your all-wrong cereal is cereal a poptart well I have no clue, but it is certainly not ravioli 

Kangarood- On this one occasion I agree with  
innie 

Calcifer- There is always a first time for everything  
also Poptart=ravioli cereal=soup and I'm right no  
matter what y’all dumbasses say 

Howl Pendragon- sung I agree don’t worry  
Calcifer- ah the wizard to my fire demon truly  
amazing you are well-done for being right for once  
Cat Dad- I’m sorry but what the actual fuck is going on  
Spin me right round- We are discussing whether  
cereal is a soup and if Poptart's are ravioli keep up  
grandpa  
Cat Dad- HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A GRANDPA I am a DAD you read that squirt to be specific a cat dad of 3 beautiful little babies 

Decaf- to stop all this nonsense continuing I used google and google says that soup is liquid food,  
generally served warm or hot (but may be cool or cold), that is made by combining ingredients of meat or  
vegetables with stock, or water and ravioli is small pasta envelopes containing minced meat, fish, cheese, or  
vegetables, usually served with a sauce. SO, THERE.  
Get that bread- Ha me and Chan Hyung were right eat shit losers.  
Kangarood- okay I in no way condone eating shit but I was right so eat shit ha. 

Howl Pendragon- sounds like you want us to eat shit Hyung is that what you want?  
Calcifer- yea Hyung why would you want us to do that 

Kangarood- okay children in no way do I want you to eat shit that is stupid and if you even try I will throw  
your studio ghibli movies in a fire 

Snufkins lil bitch- okay bro don’t touch the ghibli I may not know y’all but the ghibli is precious 

Howl Pendragon- only fact’s being spoken right here 

Calcifer- I concure also you like ghibli? What immaculate taste you have dude 

Snufkins lil bitch- why thank you sir oh shit hey @Sunny ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ... wanna watch spirited  
away together 

Sunny ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ...- heck yea hyung I’m omw what popcorn flavour this time? 

Snufkins lil bitch- sweet and salty duh you heathen tis the best 

Spin me right round- forgot you had no taste Hyung lol 

Snufkins lil bitch- what are you talking about it is the superior flavour 

Decaf- that is very not correct the right answer is toffee 

Cat Dad- No toffee is gross and sticks to your teeth sweet is the best 

Heart eyes- your all wrong paprika is the best it’s just warm enough but not spicey to give that great feeling in your mouth 

Calcifer- what did he saaay do you have no tastebuds? Cause I cannot fathom how you eat shit  
like that like paprika on popcorn? Just why 

Heart eyes- it tastes good wdym 

kArEN- as someone who has had it before it ain’t honestly that bad like it’s not great but it is good  
when it is cold out but like Greggery doesn’t like it 

Get that bread- I'm sorry whom the frick frack tic tac is Greggery 

kArEN- the dorms pet rock who else? 

Kangarood- you have a pet ROCK? Why not just a dog 

Sunny ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ...- we are not trusted with them after the egg incident 

Kangarood- I'm not even gonna question it at his point 

Snufkins lil bitch- best not I do not wish to relive that experience ever again also me and lix are  
going offline now cause Ghibli needs attention and it’s more important than this convo so peace out bitches 

Sunny ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ...- night night all :] 

Spin me right round- on that note I am going to make a snack 

kArEN- and I will be coming coming wit u talk later 

Get that bread- yo hyungs wanna build a pillow fort 

Howl Pendragon- absolutory lets do it rn omw 

Calcifer- Uh duh do you even have to ask 

I <3 darkness- uh I will be right there with blankets 

Kangarood- I will supervise I don’t trust any of you 

Cat Dad- sure why not omw with snacks 

Decaf- I do not but if everyone else will be there yes because I don’t want to be alone so I'm on my way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cute animal fact of the day- penguins mate for life and "propose" by giving the other a pebble  
> (୨୧•͈ᴗ•͈)◞ᵗʱᵃᵑᵏઽ*♡ (∿°○°)∿ ︵ ǝʌol


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